The word drifted into my mind, much like one of the thought bubbles in a comic strip.
I journal daily. I've discovered that journaling my thoughts and prayers and "writing into" my struggle or problem is not only therapeutic, it's the method the Lord often uses to get me through the weeds to the root of the issue. Most of the time, it takes days or weeks, sometimes years, of journaling to get to the source; however, there are times when the discovery comes immediately.
On this particular morning, I'd decided to deviate from hashing through an issue I've been "writing into" for longer than I can remember. I began to journal about something a friend had recently shared with me. Her counselor challenged her to define her authentic self.
"Phew, " I thought. "I'm glad I don't have that problem. I've always been authentic and transparent. I'm the same person at home, in the office, on the church pew and in the grocery store.
Yet, I decided it'd be amusing to explore what my authentic self looked like. I quickly jotted down the first things that came to mind: my hobbies, my decorating style preference and things that I value. Rather quickly, my thoughts took a hard turn and dove deep into one of the things I dislike most: not living up to someone's expectation.
As my words poured out on the page, I had a harsh realization: I'm not as authentic as I think I am. I'm a chronic people-pleaser. Pleasing others means I'm not being me, but who I think others think I should be. Pleasing others also comes at a great expense: it mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually drains me.
It was at that precise moment, that the word popped into my mind: fallow.
Fallow? The word was a kick in my gut. I'd read about fallow ground in the Old Testament and it wasn't a good thing. The prophet Jeremiah called out the people of Israel for having sin-ladened hearts that were like hardened — fallow — land that was infested with weeds, thorns and insects. Was the ground of my heart really hard? Unusable? Infested with weeds, thorns and bugs? I felt discouraged. I want my soil to be good soil and useable by God.
I dug deeper and discovered in both Exodus 23:10 and Leviticus 25: 3-4 that God gave permission for His people to plant fields, prune vineyards and harvest crops for six years. In the seventh year, He commanded that the land must have a Sabbath year of complete rest. The land was to be plowed and harrowed, but to remain unplanted. This allowed the soil time to rest and its nutrients to replenish. Replenished soil is fertile soil that will yield better crops. So, a fallow season is actually a good thing.
And then the dots connected.
I've been struggling for years because I no longer have a dream. Actually, I've lacked the ability to dream. I can't remember the last time I was genuinely excited about something. I chalked it up to burnout from all the years of working. I was certain when I finally retired, things would change. Yet, here I am, retired and I'm still dreamless, unmotivated and without purpose.
Then I realized I can't dream because my soil is bone dry. The reason it's dry is because of my life-long habit of striving to meet — and exceed — all perceived expectations. As a young child, I learned that I needed to be concerned about what others think and to never disappoint anyone. That soon evolved into me thinking I must be all things to all people. To be ready and eager at all times to do what I think someone expects me to do, or to be whom I think they think I should be. The payoff for me? When I please someone, I'm affirmed. Affirmation means I have value and worth.
I also realized that my perceived expectations had "plowed my field" a very long time ago. While the Lord has been gently sifting through the layers of hard soil, revealing my strongholds, I had failed to recognize I needed a Sabbath. Though weary and discouraged, I'd kept on planting to meet expectations and hoping for a good, affirming harvest.
Until now.
I sense God has intervened and forced me into a fallow season. A time to completely let go of those tainted, perceived and unrealistic expectations. A season where He will replenish my soul and teach me to be who He created me to be. An opportunity to discover and become my authentic self.
And that's a good thing.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke on you and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and my load is not hard to carry.”
- Matthew 11:28-30
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